5 Months ago Today...

5 Monthes ago on this very day, Tony and I drove out of a gated Transition Home with two new children to add to Team Dragovich. In the adoption world, we call this "Gotcha Day". It is the day that you pick up your children and they become forever a part of your family. Your "forever family"-- another adoption phrase. To try and go back and thread out the emotions which were flashing in and out of my entire being is about impossible. Some days I look back and it seems like that was forever ago. Some days, it was only last week.

Now, here we are, 5 months later. Could I ever have imagined the impact this adoption and these children and our new "forever family" dynamic would make into the very center of my soul? Absolutely not. I'm still imagining it and being opened up to it and walking through each new fold that opens. There are some days in which I still feel like I am swimming in a fog-- less and less this is the case, but still sometimes. The funny thing is, I remember thinking that way BEFORE adoption! Now, I think-- Gee, Shari-- you sure did have it easy "back then"!!!

In five months I have experienced some amazing transformations in my children. Sam and JB are fast becoming inseparable. And Risa is usually in there somewhere. Wyatt and Isaac are working hard to be helpful, positive and interact with the kids in playful ways. The majority of their time together-- which is considerable since we homeschool!-- all 5 of them are playing contentedly and enjoying one another. One of my favorite things is to hear one of the big boys explain to a new friend or some confused child; "YES. We are ALL brothers and sister. We ALL belong to the same family. This is my brother and this is my brother and THIS is my brother and THIS is my sister!" There are soooo many other things they could say, "Yeah, this is my adopted brother," or "He is my brother, but he is adopted...", etc... but they don't. It never even comes close to being uttered from their mouths. They claim JB and Risa with certainty and conviction. You may think I am weird for thinking such things, or offering my praise to my bio kids for saying something that I would hope to goodness that they would say anyway... but I take nothing for granted. Of course, Tony and I have always taught them that GOD alone puts a family together and He has put OUR family together-- through birth and adoption and both are of equal, eternal value. No difference, in that regard. But THEY have to accept this truth within their own hearts. I cannot force them to believe it. So... to have them be so positive and proud to others about their new brother and sister... like I said, it is one of my favorite things.

The transformation within JB and Risa continues to work itself out. Now that they have been home 5 months, we can sort of see what behaviors are still lingering and what deeper issues such behaviors may be pointing to-- beyond just the trauma of moving them from their homeland and into our family. JB in particular, exhibits behaviors which directly point to a lack of emotional health. He is attaching more slowly-- though he desperately works for our attention and affection-- it is spastic (for lack of a better word), controlling and tense. I have been re-reading some of my adoption literature on attachment, especially in regards to emotional development-- phases of, milestones of each phase, reviewing checklists for emotional health of children at the end of each phase, etc. JB has some gaps. Though there are many emotionally healthy things that JB DOES do-- and even has begun to do since he has been home-- there are a few key things that he does NOT do which, I believe, if we do not address them directly, will cause his emotional "heart" to mature in a warped, unhealthy way.

What is challenging about the things that we are directly tackling is that they are things that any child raised in a safe, secure, loving environment from early on would naturally develop. For most of us, we don't even think about having to "teach" our children how to accept affection, allow us to comfort them or relax in our arms. We take for granted that when they are hurt they will tell us what is wrong and cuddle into our comforting arms. When our children are older, we USUALLY don't have to worry about them throwing a temper tantrum of a 2-3 year old EVERY time they are mad (which happens A LOT in a day)-- or become reduced to a fit of crying when one of their siblings does something they don't like, ESPECIALLY if what the sibling did was meant as a gesture of love-- like patting the child's back, or trying to put their arm around him like a buddy does.

This is where we are at. I have always known-- like that crazy mommy instinct-- that JB's "heart" seemed to have some holes in it-- holes that went beyond the normal trauma and attachment issues all families walk through with their kids who are adopted-- especially those who adopt older kids. I think it is a super great place to be, because it is a place of deeper understanding, concrete and direct interventions/strategies... but best of all, it is a place of being in total and utter dependence of My God who does NOT withhold any good thing from His children! I know that I am so out of my realm of human wisdom, savvy or strength. It is only by the daily, moment by moment grace (action) of God in and through Tony and myself that JB's heart will heal. God's gotta do it-- but we have been chosen to be His hands and feet.

The final piece of all this is my own health and well-being. For 5 months, I have been in a whirlwind of emotions, added workload, added needs, adjusting to 5 children who are in a constant clamor for my love, attention, help, etc... This has left me, well... Exhausted. Beyond the normal "I have 5 kids" exhausted. Strangely, this was a light bulb moment for me-- I know, I'm quick, aren't I? :) All the sudden it dawned on me that for as many strides as JB has and continues to make, and as much as I am working with him on specific emotional issues-- he leaves me sooooooo weary. I mean-- that boy WEARS ME OUT!!! If you have someone you love in your life who is depressed or emotionally unstable and they just seem to suck life OUT of you, then you know exactly what I am talking about. (Note: if you are thinking, "Well, YEAH, Shari! Just reading your BLOGS sucks the life out of me!!"-- kindly keep it to yourself!). Strangely, this "lightbulb" moment was somewhat of a final confirmation that we are dealing with some issues of woundedness in our youngest son. So, part of our strategies for helping Joshua Biruk also need to include strategies for allowing me to experience some way of finding respite and an outside interest to invest more creative energy towards-- even if it is just getting to pursue new running goals, study more about gardening... or... maybe... learn a new language --just kidding!

5 Months ago Tony and I drove out of a gated Transition Home with two new children we didn't know at all but we called them son and daughter. Today... I am still getting to know them; but one thing I DO know in the depths of my soul-- Joshua Biruk and Rebekah Selame Dragovich ARE my-- God given, God designed and God planned from before the beginning of time-- son and daughter.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

As Promised: Pictures

Team Dragovich Fall 2009

Enjoy!

Grace and Peace,
Shari

"The tyranny of the urgent"

My life is flashing before my eyes. I want this blog to be so much more exciting, more posted on, more effective for orphans... blah, blah, blah. Instead, all I can seem to do is post once in a blue moon and ramble on about my personal thoughts, emotional battles, crazy life experiences as a mom and a family who took the plunge into God's heart for adoption. And what a plunge it has been AND continues to be. :)

It is so fun to watch JB and Risa experience all these "firsts" in our family... first birthdays (although that one was a little traumatic for JB), first family trip-- again, traumatic, but so good for our family; first Thanksgiving-- which was NOT a traditional Team Dragovich Thanksgiving at all; first Christmas tree finding and trimming, first Advent season, etc. Last night, during our bedtime prayers, JB thanked God for "Mommy making Christmas so beautiful". My heart was stolen into his and again, I was jolted into a new "view" of their little lives-- and our life as a family.

My heart screams out for the lives of the millions and millions of children living day to day, not knowing the love of a mother and father. One thing that JB is continually commenting on, roll-playing or talking to me about, is how Tony and I interact with one another. He always wants to "show" me how Daddy gives me hugs and kisses when he comes home from work, or how Daddy holds my hand when we are driving in the "makina" (car), or how we make funny faces at or tease each other-- things I completely take for granted. For JB, it is fascinating. Sometimes, he will say, out of the blue... "Daddy and Mommy, no hit?" Or, if he is in one of his silly, confused, insecure, teasing moods, he will say, "Daddy and a Mommy-- hit, hit, hit... ha, ha, ha!", then pretend he is "daddy", hitting "mommy" in the face. Of course, I am so very quick to correct him and reinforce how much Daddy and I love each other and are kind to one another. We will NEVER hit one another. But, all the while my head is reeling with sick wonder at what he saw before us and my stomach knots when I imagine it.

In general, the boy is fixated with "hitting". He talks about it alot, accuses others of doing it to him alot (unfounded-- beyond the normal brother, boyish hands-on behavior), roll plays it a lot, etc. He is super-oversensitive about it all and cries at the drop of a hat. And when he cries, it is a high-pitched, screeching, nerve-wracking cry. You would think that the kid was having his limbs pulled from his body, one at a time. And then... he just stops. He gets over it and moves on. Where any of my other children who are annoyed at their sibling will just say, "knock it off", or tattle, have me ignore their tattling and move on-- JB screams, wails and then stops. I am JUST now starting to distinguish these cries and not over-react to them. And, for as affectionate he has become with me especially-- constant hugs, kisses, holding hands, stroking my face and words of endearment-- he refuses to be comforted when he truly is hurt. He becomes stiff as a board when I pick him up, rocks back and forth, stops crying and then says, "All done, no more JB owie". I am working through all these things with him, trying to teach him to relax in my arms and give lots and lots of "off the spot" loving. Most the time I think I am blundering through it all, but he is making progress and God is good.

Did I mention that my heart screams for the faces of those left behind? The statistics of the world-wide orphan crisis are staggering. Here again, I find the task of giving you the numbers myself to be one step outside my time to blog ability. So here is the link to one family who has a ton of great stats:

My Crazy Adoption

There are others. If you go visit many of the families from my blog roll you will find more great stats, personal stories and practical ways you can be the hands and feet of Jesus and fight for the widow and the orphan. Another family who has some EXCELLENT ways you can give while you shop this holiday season is the Steiger family. Here is the link to Lenka's blog:

The Steiger Clan

It is more than frustrating to me to be in such a season where the "tyranny of the urgent" seems to always win over the "vision focused living". I hate not being more organized, more of a champion for the cause of adoption. I want so badly to do so much more... but alas, I cannot even go to the bathroom without have 2-3 children crying out my name in "desparate" need of something--and none of them are infants. Even to post this morning, I was interrupted SEVERAL times, we are now behind in our school day... and if I wait for tonight to blog, my brain will be fried in to several unrecognizable pieces all over my living room floor. You would probably be either incredibly disturbed or offended to read what would end up on the page.

That is so dramatic, isn't it? :)

Hopefully, later this weekend, I will post pictures of our latest adventures. We traveled last week to Elizabeth City to play while Tony worked and had some pretty fun adventures-- but mostly just more time to "pressure cook" together as a family. It was a good thing :).

Grace and Peace to you... and thank you for listening...

Shari

Some fall fun and some firsts...

Seems like we are truckin' right a long with life. Soccer season officially ended on Saturday-- oh, was that a HURRAAAAYYYYY you heard from the eastern part of the U.S.? It is fun to watch the kids play soccer and it was especially fun to watch JB and Sam play together on the same team. But, it is a lot of work to have that many kids playing at one time and I am ready for some down time-- or maybe just "different" time. What is "down" time anyway??

JB and Risa continue to unfold and become a bit more comfortable in their Team Dragovich skin. And we continue to walk through the adjusting and bonding process. Sam & JB are definitely becoming tight. It is fun to watch. They are both so creative in their play and until JB came home, Sam seemed to always be pretending to be something or play something-- by himself. He played with his older brothers A LOT, but there were just many times when they couldn't keep up with what was-- and is-- going on inside his little brain. I know how they feel! I can't keep up with the mind of Sam either!

There are still some oversensitivities-- oversensitive to sharing toys, teasing, touching, etc... but there is MUCH more happy laughter, hours of joyful and creative playing and TONS of communication-- enough to make my head explode. Having FIVE talkative children around me 24/7 is a whole new level of chaos that I am constantly working on breathing through :)

Here are some pics of our fall, end of soccer and Halloween '09. Excuse me while I attend to an oversensitivity-- let's see if I make it better or make it worse. Always a toss up :)

Risa after somersalting

Sam after... who knows what

Bammer and Mommy

Risa and Daddy

Sam & JB with their trophies

Pre-Halloween chaos

Posing for Halloween chaos (L to R: Army sniper, Little John, Snow White, The Black Prince of the Hundred Year's War, Aslan with a sword)

Post-Halloween... aaahhh

Grace & Peace,
Shari

JB & Me

Mommy and her African babes :)

Now, those are some handsome boys!

Have you ever just been so overwhelmed with the fullness of your life?? I don't mean "fullness" as in stuffed to the gills with appointments, places to be, kids to clean up after, schedules to keep, etc... though certainly I DO get overwhelmed with those things. Way more often than I should or want to admit. No. I'm talking about a fullness that bursts forth with life, love and gratitude. There almost aren't words for it. All I know, is that when it happens-- that knowing of "fullness"-- there is an overwhelming sense that this life I am living is SOOOO much larger than me and yet, I have been chosen for "such a time as this" and for such a purpose as well. I have been given the husband, children, lifestyle, opportunities, responsibilities-- ALL of it-- for an eternal reason. Beyond me. Beyond human explanation and into a much greater, more expansive purpose. And it is good.

I love those moments. It is as if the veil is lifted and I can see clearly. I can see the point of it all... those every day struggles don't seem so tedious and mundane. Every task is God-given and God-ordained. My children's flaws are overshadowed by the beauty of who God has created them to be and gifted them to grow into. My husband is truly my knight in shining armor and my own struggles, weaknesses, fears and/or future plans pale in comparison to the Almighty Love of the Almighty Purifier of my mind, body, spirit and soul.

Ahhh.... and then the curtain closes. I don't know why, but somehow, the cares of the world and any unchecked sins try to creep in and steal my joy. I'm not really sure why I even bother to tell you all this, other than it is this feeling of "fullness" that is the only way I can describe the life of adoption. Overwhelming. Bigger than me or anything I could fathom. Thankfulness. Yes. Overwhelming gratitude. Even in the midst of the struggles and tensions and wondering. I hope when you've read my posts over the past few months you have walked away with more than just the "hard things". I hope you have seen the calling of God and His Grace to accomplish that which He has begun and the continuing walk of faith and that this walk is not always pretty. But it's not all ugly and pot-hole filled either. I think...no, I KNOW our eyes have been opened to a whole new understanding of God's love through adoption. On so many levels. His deep abiding love for His children to know Him deeply and fully. His compassionate love for the poor, the widowed, the orphaned of the world. His gracious and un-ending love for ALL mankind to come to Him and be adopted into His family and become heirs to the throne of Grace! And what we are to do with all this "knowing" and new "eye-sight"-- oh my. That is for a whole different post!

I can't even tell you all the ways that adoption has changed our family for all eternity for God's Glory... but I am seeing some of it. Maybe only during those times the veil is lifted, but it is there and God is faithful. Even in the seemingly "bad" moments and days. You know... it has been very frustrating for me. And I wish I could say that I have been able to handle the "hardness" with great maturity and compassion. Not so much. But... here is the amazing thing. God is binding our hearts despite of my mess-ups and is faithful to continue teaching ME how to love and live in His fullness.

And here is another amazing miraculous thing. Despite the childish pettiness (and not always from the children, mind you!), misunderstandings, mis-translations, etc... JB is coming alive-- fully ALIVE!!! When he first came home, he clung to Tony inappropriately and tolerated me. He didn't know how to hug, didn't know how to handle affection and couldn't make eye contact to save his life. He cried at the drop of the hat and seemed only to know how to hit, bite, pinch or cry his way through communication. I struggled so desperately to be compassionate and then cried almost nightly at my own guilt over the lack of compassion, the fear of never "feeling" love, grieving for our family to never look the same again, wallowing in the agony of being the "2nd mom"-- agonizing for him, his biological mother and myself. I wish I could tell you I grieved FOR him. I DID grieve for his loss before he came home. When we got our referral back in February and learned of his story. I grieved then. And, since he has been home, I have been able to enter into his grief with him and hold him with a sense of God-given understanding. But not at first. Not for many weeks.

JB & Me in Ethiopia

But, now I see a new thing happening. The old is going and God's newness is slowly coming. In spurts and fits at first. But now it is flowing stronger and stronger every day. Is there still chaos? YES. Do I "feel" like we are a family yet? Hmmm.... what is your definition and what are your qualifying factors? It doesn't "feel" like it ever did before they came home, but I don't think that will ever happen again! How silly of me to think it should. JB hugs me every day and his favorite thing is to give me "loooooonnnng time, kisses, Mom." :) and "Everybody hug, Mommy and JB". Tony is currently on his second out-of-town trip and JB did no more than hug his dad goodbye and off he went to continue playing-- just like the other boys. He still teases quite a bit, but it is good natured and he seems to be learning when enough is enough. He is quite the chatterbox and LOVES for me to see him do ANYTHING! Every goal he makes in soccer (which is a considerable amount) ends with a look my way to be sure I saw it. He inhales school time with me like he inhales chocolate ice cream-- his few favorite snack. And he always wants me to sit down and watch his new favorite movie with him-- currently Narnia. We've moved on from Spirit.

JB & Me tonight (3 months home)

Have I mentioned that God is good? :) He is. Enjoy the photos.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

This was how he immediately "posed" when I asked if he wanted a picture with Mommy

God Made Smiling Eyes

Life is moving forward at a break-neck pace. I wish I could say I am handling it well and flying right along—enjoying the wind in my hair and the excitement of the forever new adventure. But alas, I hate getting tangles and I’m tired of lacing up my Indiana Jones boots. September began with a week long trip to IL to celebrate my mom’s retirement. It was a very fun trip—full of family, catching up with loved ones, time on the farm and bonding for the newest Team Dragovich additions. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it was pretty stressful, too. How would JB and RiSa react to my family? How would my family react to them? How would I react to all these reactions??? Of course, everyone showered them with love and even if they were cringing on the inside from the sheer amount of chaos my children now bring to every situation, they patiently endured the screeching, grumbling, crying laughing & general constant commotion with smiles, hugs and funny comments. Truthfully, I was mostly worried that the new kids would become clingy with my parents and begin to shun Tony and me for meeting their needs. I was also worried that the old kids would feel slighted or become jealous at the extra attention being focused on the new kids. I have read too many books and this is not a good thing. None of those things happened, and while I did notice some “old” patterns of behavior come out—especially in JB, no one regressed to “1^st week home” behavior and again, I witnessed the refining fire of another “pressure cooker” experience. Like going to Florida, we were all stuck together and HAD to interact, deal with one another and learn to work through our differences.

Now, post-IL trip has been a bit hairy—for me mostly. For whatever reason, I experienced within myself a resurgence of “unnatural mommy-hood” syndrome. For whatever reason, I felt like I stepped backwards in my bonding an attaching with the new kids. Affection and compassion have been at a premium and that feeling like I am caring for someone else’s kids has been working at resurging. Praise God that He is at work and our “feelings” cannot be trusted!! I am not going to try to suppose why this happened. It is too hard and too full of potholes. Early on I made a promise to not sit and wonder every day when I would feel like JB and RiSa’s mom. I gave that up to the Lord to handle and am STILL giving it to Him to handle. Having said that, I would be lying (again) if I didn’t admit that my mind still wanders over to wanting to figure out “when” the feelings will be there, instead of focusing on the truth of God’s goodness, His deeper love & His plan for our children and our family.

I doubt that it has helped matters any to hit the ground running, either. Meaning, the two weeks following our trip home have been filled with beginning all our new routines (piano lessons, homeschool PE) plus doctor visits, dentist appointments, weekend soccer games, parties, etc. Amazingly, the kids—ALL of them—have handled the chaos incredibly well. Tony and I have continually commented on this fact after each event. And the people we see at all our outings are continually amazed that the new kids have been home for only 2 months. Other than one incident when JB snaked a toy from a 3 year old during a kids’ game this last weekend—which was incredibly awkward, embarrassing and yet ended up being a GREAT learning experience for him—all 5 kids have flowed in and out of our social gatherings, soccer games, out-of-house homeschool routines, etc. with little fuss, whine or the typical aftermath of meltdown.

I’m not sure what to make of all that is going on in my head and in my heart during this season of life. One thing I know for sure is that it is refinement and “the blowing away of the chaff” in my life. Some days I wake up and the colors of world are bold and vivacious. The smiles of my children are brighter, purer, wider and full of love. Other days I wake up and it is all I can do to smile back. One thing I am learning for sure, is that true love—God love—is NOT a human love. It is not something that I can manufacture within my own power. I also am learning that the love I can produce is not enough and it never will be enough and it isn’t MEANT to be enough. The love I can produce—without the help of the Holy Spirit-- will always have a selfish edge to it. It will always whisper, “What about me? Who is going to love me back?” That kind of love will not propel a relationship into true unity. It will not bind a marriage into oneness. It will not raise a child to truly “go in the way that he or she is bent to go”, or provide the springboard for them to soar.

But it is the God love-- the eternal, larger-than-life love-- that only comes from a daily surrender of myself to the One who CAN love in all those ways; who can cause all of the above to happen. And happen with fullness and abundance. I think that is why one of our family’s life verses is John 10:10… “The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; I come that they might have LIFE and have it to the FULL.” Our lives are not our own. They belong to the Lord Jesus Christ and He means for us to have FULL, ABUNDANT life IN HIM. The “full” life that Jesus speaks of isn’t full of “stuff” or earthly treasures. Rather it is a life—eternal life which is happening here on this earth and goes on for eternity—marked by fullness of relationships and the joy, peace and contentment which rises out of living with our “eyes fixed on Jesus”; walking in the path He has marked for us, doing the good works He has prepared for us to do in advance, and loving others with His “God-Love”—a love that WILL bring heaven down here to earth.

And here is the best part. GOD IS FAITHFUL and I am seeing a depth of His Love that I never even knew existed—right here in my home, in the heart of our adoption. I am overcome with emotion when I am able to sit back and contemplate all that He has done in our children’s lives—all of them—and all that He is continuing to do. And when I look a RiSa and JB and try to think back to those first few weeks home, I barely see a shadow of the scared, tearful, clingy yet resistant children we brought home from Ethiopia. Now every morning is met with hugs and kisses and every night is the same. There is so much “I lub you, Mommy” in my life and I can barely turn around without someone right there to give me a hug. RiSa tells me almost daily how much I am “Konjo”—beautiful. Sunday afternoon she was sitting at the table finishing lunch (which takes her a considerable amount of time to do) and chattering away about how beautiful I am, she is and the guys are. She was grinning ear to ear and you could just see the God-love oozing out of her. I was contemplating this as I was listening to her and thinking of what a change this was from 6 weeks ago when she would sit at the table and give me those evil “cat eyes” that girls do so well. I remember many days the first month especially, calling her out on those evil-eyes and teaching her to “smile with her eyes”.

I was agreeing with her about how beautiful Team Dragovich was and how God made us a beautiful family to be together.She was quiet for a while after that—back to eating, you know. Then she looked up at me and with a huge messy food face grin announced, “Mommy, God made smiling eyes.”

Yes, my sweet gift from God… He did.

Yes, we are alive-- and even doing well!!!

RiSa digs birthdays-- who cares if it is hers!

Oops! Team Dragovich has been sorta busy for the last few weeks! But... we are doing well and truckin' right along! Let me see if I can soothe your withdrawls (ha, ha!) with some pictures. I'll try to post a more in-depth analysis of our latest adventures when I get more time-- RIGHT!!! (I mean, I WILL post later but let's just be clear that it won't be because I have time. I will be because I have chosen to neglect some real responsibility or child for a time so I can post to the blog.)

JB wasn't so sure about celebrating his b-day, but he wasn't about to say no to presents!

Too much attention, but smiling anyway

JB isn't so sure about birthdays, but keeps on smiling

Sam definitely knows what to do for birthdays!! The pictures are out of order, but his was before JB's in August

More to come!
Grace and Peace,
Shari